I thought a lot about whether or not to write about this openly. Because as the owners of a wellness company we’re supposed to have it all together, right? We’re supposed to have figured out how to beat anxiety, and depression, and loneliness. We’re supposed to trust the universe implicitly and use the law of attraction to bring to us everything that we want, right? Wrong.
We started this company because we wanted to see and show a realistic version of wellness. We found our way to the ownership of this company precisely because we didn’t have it all figured out. I found my way to a love of food and cooking via a decades-long battle with eating disorders. I found my way to yoga via back pain that made my 19-year-old body feel like it was 100 years old. I found meditation via crushing, debilitating anxiety and self-doubt. It’s been through our journey to understand ourselves that we’ve found healing. Yoga, meditation, and a healthy relationship with food are all just tools for that growth.
Sure, there are days when we nail it—days when the doubt falls away and we feel on top of the world. But there are also days when all of those things come back. Sometimes all at once. The headaches come back, and the fear comes back, and the anxiety takes over. This week was one of those weeks for me. I lost sight of the tools I’ve collected to deal with my anxiety and all the old bull shit came rushing back with a vengeance. And, to add insult to injury, they all came back on Halloween. In the interest of transparency, I wanted to share what a day in my life looks like when the old anxiety creeps back in.
Anatomy of a day with anxiety (Halloween edition):
Wake up at 7:30 am (despite having gone to bed at 9:30 pm)
Watch marketing videos in bed
Finally get out of bed 9:00
Make it to coffee shop at 9:30 to meet friend
Meet friend at 10 and feel like an ass hole because you’re mostly just sad and complaining
Feel better at 12 when you leave said friend because friends are often the best medicine
Watch a masterclass
Take a bath and write down everything you thought about during the master class
Type out 15 different version of “I’m having a lot of anxiety” to your business partner but ultimately never send because you “don’t want to be a burden”
Something in tv triggers you and from 3:00 until 5:30 when boyfriend comes home it’s mostly crying and drinking wine
7:00 get ready for Halloween party, cry the whole time
Stand awkwardly at Halloween party until someone dressed as a derby girl finally gets your twin peaks costume
Get a second wind, think you’re fine
Get halfway through a drink and then make your boyfriend take you home and talk about how he’s the best and why you love him the whole ride home
Finally fall into bed, cry a little more
Have said amazing boyfriend read you trivia questions until you fall asleep
Sleep poorly, waking up every couple hours with an embarrassing memory of the night before and wake up the next morning very tired
This quote is from an art piece I got for my parent’s which now hangs in their hallway…at the cabin in the woods which I escaped to this weekend. I needed beauty, and bread. I needed a place to play in and pray in. So I could be in nature. To heal and give strength to body and soul. I needed to be able to step away to get some perspective and clarity so I could clear some space for the tools I’ve picked up to work their magic. This is a privilege I have and I acknowledge it. But finding some space for true and real self-care is so important. What are your tried and true tactics for pulling yourself out of your own head and out of your own way? Therapy? Running? What are your favorites?